Before starting this blog post I had inkling to check the definition of the word discipline. There is no significant reason but I wanted a dictionary definition of the word. Now that I have it though I am not sure how comfortable I am with terms like "training", "code of behavior" and "punishment”. It all seems heavy handed but when I look at the way I reprimand and discipline my daughter it is a bit heavy handed sometimes. The spanking, losing my cool all of it makes me feel worse off. 

Where I am from spanking is quite normal. My grandmother used to hit one of us every other week and if it wasn't your turn you would watch and laugh as the other sibling is being "disciplined”. It was quite a show. Now though that I have a baby I literally never want to hit her and that is until what I call my PARENTAL FUSE has blown and I have no patience whatsoever. I know you are judging me but hear me out, toddlers are terrorists. They will literally push boundaries and every button there is to see what the reaction will be and every time you react, you feed into it. You learn these things along the way. You learn that these little humans are growing and expanding and this is part of it.  

In the beginning I had intended to be a patient, understanding parent. The intention is still there for the most part but execution in a moment of terror often fails me, intention goes out the window. I'm not all bad, LOL, trust me I try. I breathe in and out , I try and reason with her but I guess my daughter has a fuse as well and once it's blown there is nothing much you can do but wait for the chaos to subside . My baby literally takes after me, I see myself in her. She is stubborn and strong willed. She is also smart because she definitely knows how to play me to get her way. I don't know where she learnt to say please with that sweet puppy voice of hers, it just throws me off. 

Anyway back to discipline, in the beginning when I moved her to stay with me she was frustrated and lashing out / throwing tantrums every day. I understood what was happening but I also wanted it to stop. I wanted to "CORRECT THE DISOBEDIENCE”. It felt like disobedience at the time. I know better now. Can you tell I’m trying not to raise any eyebrows with this post, every sentence is laced with apologetic undertones and with every paragraph I am trying to expose my shortcomings but shield myself from the silent judgments from the reader? I know you are judging, don't worry I do it too. 

So here is what triggered this whole post, a couple of month’s back I got a call from Langa's school. The teacher on the other end sounded unimpressed when she mentioned the principle needed to see me. A million thoughts went through my mind. Was she hurt, did she hurt someone? I had a lot running through my mind but not the fact that my baby was terrorizing her teacher. Apparently my sweet baby girl was a menace, she wasn't listening to her teachers, she wasn't listening to instructions and worst of all she was hitting other kids, older kids. I was just so shocked and disappointed. What was I doing wrong? Am I not disciplining her enough? Am I too soft on her? Is she hitting other kids because I hit her sometimes? I was frying my brain with all these questions trying to figure out why this is happening. What made it worse was that apparently this had been happening for a while and I wasn't aware. 

 I had a chat with the principal, it wasn't as bad as I had expected but I still felt horrible about her behavior. I didn't know whether to be stricter or to relax with the spanking. I also thought to myself maybe I should implement other methods like time out but the more I read on these things the more I realized how cruel it is. The definition of discipline made sense. I am definitely struggling with discipline. Sometimes I want to go the gentle parenting route and then I feel I’m losing control then I want to bring in the reins to bring back control. It's the Wild West out here and we are only 4 years in. Spare a thought and say a prayer for every parent especially the ones with toddlers.  

thanks for reading