I started the maintenance journey in 2021 November. When I say it is a journey I am not trying to be cute it really is a journey and I am not even halfway through. The decision had been reeling in my mind for half of 2021, part of my reasons for not going sooner was the thought that I was above that mess. I tried so hard to convince myself that the money he was providing was not bad. I tried to understand the whole situation and probably ended up with him sending that little money in the first place because I was too understanding. Typing this is getting me so worked up that I have no idea how I am going to finish this post. Before going to maintenance I did try speaking to him on several occasions but it was all in vain in fact instead of hearing me he was always combative and I had reached my limits so I decided to go. It is very much an emotional decision not to spite the other party but to advocate for your child so to be able to give her the best out of this life. If you don't already know raising a human is costly and I am only talking about the most basic needs. Clothes, shoes, school, and food are costly ,then you add extra curricular activities and entertainment and you just see yourself spending thousands of rands every month. That takes a toll on any parent, add the frustration of a deadbeat then you have the perfect recipe for a nervous breakdown.
I am not trying to be dramatic but single mothers are struggling everywhere and we don't have the space nor capacity to even explain why. When we do were run the risk of shame and judgement. I promised myself a while back that I will not keep quiet about my struggles, it does not serve me nor the next person. This blog is that space for me. You reading this right now is that space for me. I digress, that fateful day I decided to go there and get the forms I felt like I was doing something wrong. Probably because half the people in my life did not agree with my decision including my partner at the time. I was also a bit anxious about the decision so I never submitted the form until a month later. I submitted the form in December after trying for the umpteenth time to reason with him about the baby's needs and he just responded with a pile of rubbish and told me to send back the little money that he sent and cover all of the baby's needs. He said a lot of hurtful things and to this day I really don't get where the resistance comes from with regards to men fathering and maintaining THEIR CHILDREN. Why is it such a difficult concept to grasp that your child needs to eat and be clothed every single day like you do? why is it so difficult to understand that your child needs money to grow (comfortably) like you do? I don't think I will ever understand that in fact, it is unfathomable to me. There's a lump in my throat as I am typing this and I just knew I would be triggered.
I submitted the form alongside my bank statement for 3 months, a copy of my daughter's certificate and my Identity document, don't judge me I still have the green book. They gave me a date which was 19 January 2022. During that time the other party wasn't cooperating at all so it fuelled my motivation for the maintenance process. As the days passed I grew increasingly anxious. I had no idea what was going to happen in court and I think that's what made it worse. My anxiety is normally rallied by not having enough information about pending situations. Closer to the date I went on Mandisa Ndlangisa's Youtube page and rewatched her maintenance videos. I decided that was enough information. I never want to overload my brain with too much information or options, I find that it creates a loop of anxiety for me. Too much or too little just tips the scale for me.
The day finally came and I prayed about it multiple times, that's how nervous I was. I got there at 8 am sharp and waited like everybody else. I looked around and realised that he wasn't there. I thought to myself maybe he will come a bit later or maybe he was deliberately trying to make this process as painful as possible by simply not pitching. I waited alongside other single mothers fighting for the same thing. That place is depressing. Seeing mothers like that, some come with their kids because they have no place to leave them and then seeing the fathers walk past their kids like they do not exist breaks my heart every single time. It happens every time. It's weird how we all bond over trauma there. The minute you sit down there is always someone ready to share their story or listen to yours. It's not difficult to relate because you are all going through the same struggles. In the 3 hours I was waiting I got to meet and listen to quite a few stories and it made me realise how much of a pandemic deadbeat-ism is and I made a decision that was not on my watch.
Eventually, when they were finished with the list of parents that were both present they started calling in the ones who got stood up for the much-anticipated maintenance date. I got in and the maintenance officer explained that the other party wasn't served hence why he was not present that day. Apparently, because I elected not to serve him the process could delay. Let me explain to you why I elected the court to serve him. This man lives +100kms away I don't have the time nor petrol to drive there. When you serve him you have to have a policemen present so I'd have to go to SAPS and get the popo first and the thought just traumatised me. I have never had good encounters with police, especially with domestic issues like this so I chose peace and elected that they serve him. What is a government process without any delays or issues? It was expected but I didn't expect to be that upset. I thought to myself we haven't even formally started the process and I'm already emotionally taxed. I forged on and asked how I could help to fast track the process without serving him myself, one lady rudely said I should get the exact address and that would make the process easier. I had so many frustrations around this. Firstly if they didn't have enough information why didn't they bring that up the day I brought the documents? why didn't they call me before the day to postpone? why let me come all the way and wait for 3 dang hours to tell me that they didn't even serve the guy? Why? I quickly used the internet and found an address, filled in the form, submitted and headed back to work. I should have booked leave that day because I was in no mood to work.
A few days later I got a call from maintenance court, they gave me a date for February which was great because it was less than 2 weeks away. I was nervous but I was ready. The day finally arrived and as soon as I got there I saw his face and thanked the maintenance Gods that I don't have to waste half the day there for nothing. After a few delays, we walked into the maintenance officer's room and started the process. The officer asked us why were we there. The next step was to list the child's expenses and figure out who was paying for what in that list. I won't reveal much but It was obvious why we were there. Shen then proceeded to ask for our individual monthly expenses and compared them to our salaries. Then the negotiating process began. " how much more are you willing to pay seeing how much money goes into your child?". Basically, the answer was I don't have enough money. Apparently, men do this a lot at maintenance court. I don't know if it's to frustrate you or the process but seeing it live in action was scary for lack of a better word. With all the facts and numbers in front of you, you still choose to be this person. wild.
When I say it is a negotiation it really is because there is so much back and forth mainly between the maintenance officer and the respondent (mostly deadbeats). I chose to let the officer do most of the talking for me and only chimed in with a few sighs and exclamations when the remarks were getting out of hand and all to run away from the responsibility of being a parent. Again wild. After close to 2 hours we walked out with an interim order.
An interim order is given when the 2 parties, you and the baby daddy, have not reached an agreement in terms of what you have asked for and what he is willing to contribute towards his child's upbringing? It simply states that for the "interim" this is the amount he will pay until you have to meet again in court to revisit the amount. They gave us the subpoena to come to court in about 2 months, this depends on the availability of space and the magistrate. In some instances, if it is not too crowded you get to see the magistrate on that day. Our second meeting was in April. I was so nervous leading to the date because I thought we were going to actual court with the magistrate and the box and all of that court-y stuff. Turns out we were still meeting with the maintenance officer who went through our list of expenses again and made bundles of each for the magistrate. That fateful day we, by chance, got to see the magistrate briefly. She ordered that we return in June because one of us is under debt review so proof needs to be supplied for that.
Personally, I would like for this to end but I still have the capacity to fight. I can still go on but I won't lie and say it is not taxing emotionally and even psychologically. Sometimes I ask myself why I am putting myself through this but on days when the funds are running low and you can't even pay for a nanny or take your baby out for ice cream, you remember your why. The journey continues and I will post the second part after a June court appearance.
Thanks for reading :)
