BABY DIARIES: 2 YEARS IN
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
Langa turned 2 just over 2 weeks ago, how did we get here?? My baby has grown so much and I’m struggling to keep up. LOL everyday there is new thing, a trait, a habit that she picks up. It doesn’t help that I am 300kms away from her because of work so I miss out on a lot of moments and memories. A lot has happened over the last year. She has a mouth full of teeth and her vocabulary is growing day by day. She has picked up so many words even the ones you don’t want to hear from a 2 year old. She loves playing outside which I hate because kids get lost / stolen almost every second. She is a picky eater. I don’t know where she gets it from because I eat everything. She absolutely loves noodles and fast food which is bad I know.
The last year has been incredibly challenging. My community service contract ended in July 2019 and I decided to take her off daycare to spend more time with her and cut on costs since I was now unemployed. I spent 2 months with her at home and by the end of August I was ready for her to go back to day care. It was a lot. I loved spending time with her but I think she was so used to being outside and playing all day that being in doors the whole afternoon frustrated her and ended up frustrating me. I took her back to day care so I could also have time to do some of the things that I wanted to do like sending job applications and running errands. The time between September and November was a difficult time for me. The fact that I was unemployed was really starting to depress me. I was sending in applications almost every second day with no interviews or response . It was demotivating. I was physically and mentally tired. Emotionally I really was struggling and I had to be there for my baby. Financially I was barely surviving. I had a bit of money saved but even those savings were being stretched.
I got a lucky break in November and was offered a 4 month contract at a hospital in Mpumalanga and that meant I had to leave my baby. The whole thing happened so fast . Honestly it is always a difficult time when you have to leave the baby for work. I consoled myself with the fact that she is not little anymore and I can visit home every other weekend but the plan was to bring her to Mpumalanga with me eventually. Mid December I took her with me to Mpumalanga for a week or so and boy did I not regret it. I asked another family member to come with me so she could stay with her while I was at work. The first night in the flat Langa was difficult. She was acting up , she didn’t want to eat nor sleep. I tried to be patient and understanding because it was a new environment for her. During that whole week she would act up as soon as I got home from work. She would cry and throw tantrums for no reason. I started questioning myself. I didn't know if I was the problem. If I reprimand her or smack her hand (which is bad I know but children need to be disciplined) she would either scream her lungs out or hit me back. I was just confused at this juncture I really did not know what to do. When they say there is no manual for parenthood they really be telling the truth. After that week of tantrums and sometimes sleepless nights I went back home with her for the holidays and tried to re evaluate. I had a plan B but it did not pan out. My last resort was leaving her at home again for the remainder of the 3 months.
Side note, I cut her hair again and I felt so bad. I promised myself after that I’d grow her hair and the unthinkable happened. They cut her hair again, without my knowledge. Lol I was so sad.
Fast forward to now we have had countless issues with the caretakers and other petty issues with the dad. I really am doing my best but sometimes I feel like my best is not enough. Currently motherhood is kicking my ass and I really am having a hard time. I miss her so much and I want to move her with me but I don’t want to disrupt her routine. I also do not have a proper plan for her this side. Sometimes I feel alone and lost in this parenting thing. My family is great help but sometimes I feel like I am losing control. It is not a nice feeling. Navigating parenthood, my career, money, my personal life, emotions and everything else is discombobulating. I wish I had someone to affirm my decisions, I wish I had someone to offer advice and not judgement. It’s a journey and I know one day I will look back at this and appreciate how far I’ve come.
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