My baby is a toddler LOL . The realization  just hit me , she is a toddler . Not that it changes anything but that in itself is such a huge milestone. She started creche / day-care in January here in Witbank . The first few days were a bit rough for both of us I'd say . We were both still very much adjusting to her move to Witbank , her being taken away from familiarity and friends . In that first month (January) I did a lot of emotional work in terms of helping her adapt and keeping myself sane . Toddlers are just emotional wrecks LOL . Babies in general don't know how to regulate their emotions, well the same could be said for some adults too but that's not the point . When I'm upset I take a moment and breathe, I do certain things to make sure I calm down . I try not throw tantrums by regulating my own feelings BUT toddlers have not learnt that skill yet, when they are upset you and the neighbours will know . This is my current struggle , the tantrums . My biggest battle is trying to stay calm when the walls are trembling down because of the wailing and the screaming. If I also lose my cool, it's just baby and mommy throwing tantrums and it's not helping her regulate her feelings, in fact I'm telling her it's okay to lose your shit when you are upset, I'm validating what she is doing . This all sounds so simple but keeping calm during a tantrum is probably the most difficult thing in that situation because all you want to do is SPANK her into silence LOL because that's all we know . Another incredibly challenging thing to do is parenting with an audience . Malls, shops even at day care she would start throwing a tantrum and I'd honestly just want the world to open up and swallow me because it's very hard to de-escalate the situation and apply logic in front of everyone else . 

At this juncture I am also unlearning a lot of things . I'm realizing what kind of parent I want to be and it looks nothing like what I know and have grown up seeing. This makes it incredibly hard because you have no point of reference. I started buying books on parenting and have been following a few pages on social media on parenting. my struggle with that is it's all good and well that I'm learning what to do and what not to do but applying it is difficult . ''Knowing your crap and actually doing something about your crap are 2 different things", Dr Yang, Greys Anatomy probably season 3 or something . In essence I know how I want to parent but getting there is a bit tricky , I am also realizing that I have to practice what I preach especially when reprimanding her . I can't say don't eat junk food and then she sees me eating junk food . I have to model the type of behaviour, morals and values I want to instil in her . It's the fastest way to get her to learn. I have noticed that if I shout at her in a moment of being upset then at some point during the day she will do the same to me , that's when I started evaluating my behaviour around her . I started evaluating everything we consume especially the music we listen to, shows we watch and generally how I act around her , It's not easy I'll tell you that, being intentional about parenting is not easy but it's necessary.

This past Sunday I got my first mother's day card. The day-care made it for all the mothers. It's so beautiful and thoughtful and just made me so emotional. All the other mother's days didn't quite matter but this one , because of the card I guess, it just became real. I think it's just the realization that someone else sees you as a mother , lol it's not all in my head (lol this might make no sense at all) . The past +4months have been quite interesting to say the least . We go from laughing together , to me consoling her after I had just said no to sweets or ice cream at 8pm. The million "I LOVE YOU MOMMY" , the random hugs, her grumpiness in the morning. Sometimes she wakes up and walks right past me without even greeting or acknowledging me lol . Just like her mom she is not a morning person . She is always full of energy though , she comes sprinting with her roller bag tailing behind every single time when I fetch from day-care. She loves to play, I kid you not some mornings she wakes up and the first thing she does is ride her bicycle, even before uttering a word to me . It's honestly the most funniest thing . She loves people , she really enjoys it when we have company. I'm really enjoying seeing the world through her eyes but I will be honest sometimes I wish I could turn down the enthusiasm a bit especially after a long day at work . Being a working mom is really tiring but it doesn't take away from the beautiful, amazing moments ,the gift and blessing that it is . 

thanks for reading.