dating as a single mother

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

I have been separated from the father of my child for about 2years now  . Shortly after that relationship I met someone. In the beginning it wasn’t really a problem , not that it is now but there’s a lot to consider now . I was home with the baby and also had a bit of a social life and was able to date and go out . Those were 2 separate worlds . Now that I live with Langa everything is kind of intertwined . Everything kind of bleeds into each other and It becomes arduous to compartmentalise your life. It’s not impossible, I just struggle a bit with structure like I mentioned in my previous blog post. Now that Langa is old enough to know who her dad is and that other male figures around us aren’t really her dad it becomes kind of tricky. The “challenge “ for me is when to have my baby and my partner meet, what role do I play when they are both around? how do I bring both these humans and these 2 different worlds together without neglecting the other or myself?

 The parenting journey for me especially brings out a lot of let’s say insecurities, that is partially why I blog about it, for perspective. What does this have to do with dating? Well when I started dating again at some point I started feeling like I had to choose between 3 relationships, the one I had with my boyfriend, the relationship I had with my self and the mother daughter relationship I had with baby. What this looked like on a regular day was if I spent any more than 2 hours with my partner that meant I had little time to spend with the baby or by myself. If I devoted my self and time solely to baby that meant the other 2 are compromised and that’s not good for any of us . That’s the challenge when dating someone who is not the father of your child, all 3 of you cannot spend time together exclusively until you get to a certain point in your relationship. In addition to this what role then does your partner play in the whole thing, does he automatically become a "father"? or am I overthinking things? Essentially these are the things I think about. 

So here's 5 things I have learnt thus far, thus far because it's an ongoing , evolving journey 

  • LOOK FOR A PARTNER NOT A FATHER FOR YOUR CHILD
It's easy to fall into the trap of wanting your partner to also parent your child but I have realised that sometimes that's a bit of a challenge in the beginning . I think when it is meant to be it will eventually transition into a relationship or rather a partnership that encompasses everything in your life including family . You can not force fatherhood on your partner and you can not force "happy family " onto a relationship especially if it's new . 
  • BE KIND TO YOURSELF
This one probably needs to sink in and marinate in my soul as well . Dating is already an extreme sport ok and on top of that add parenting then it's just a whirlwind of emotions . I have had to deal with heartbreak while my daughter was still young, having to show up for your child when you are going through the most is taxing . So be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself. You will make mistakes along the way (note to self) so gentle gentle . Kindness goes a long way even towards yourself. 
  • HE MUST LIKE KIDS
It’s quite important for me to have a partner that understands what it means to have a child and that will have the heart and time for them. Eventually my partner will be in my child’s life and I need that person to like children, to love my child and to treat them like their own. At some point your partner will be around your child a lot and they need to like each other. I have always preferred that my partner also have an active parenting role that they hold. I feel like that makes things easier, it brings a sense of commonality and relatability . You don't need to explain certain things because they already understand . They know the love of a parent for a child and I find a lot of comfort in that. Of course this is not a mandatory but it helps . 
  • SET BOUNDARIES
Setting boundaries is important in every relationship especially when a child is involved. Decide what your boundaries are, set them and stick to them. Boundaries are healthy and necessary. 
  • HEAL 
It’s imperative to heal from your relationship with the father of your child if the break up was messy. I had a lot of coming back to self moments because I feel like I lost myself in that relationship. I lost myself in motherhood too . It was kind of difficult emotionally getting into a new relationship because of the residual toxicity from the previous relationship. Heal, it will do you, the baby and the new partner a world of good. Granted it’s not easy but it sure is worth it. I’m not sure I’m fully healed, I get triggered sometimes but you learn to navigate through the emotions and that is a part of healing, knowing how to wade the waters because you are forever connected to the father of the child so you need to find a way to live with one another for the sake of the child. 

Ultimately it's a journey and if there's anything you can take away from this post let it be that you need to be gentle with yourself .


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